My journal is now friends only! Comment if you want to be added, and I most likely will add you back. :]

Alright, so 6th bell is now my lunch, and I have gym 8th... Lunch with Sam, Posh, Jessica, and Lizz. :D I can't get out of english 12 because of DE, and I am quite upset that I am not able to take horror. D: GUHH. But the year is looking very promsing still.

My forhead is slightly burned from taking a nap in the park with Adam the other day. It stings whenever I crinkle it in frustration. lol. I need to figure what Adam is thinking, and what his deal is. Yesterday Milly pointed out that he's 22, the same age as the guy that left the note on my car way back in like March. Hahaha. Most likely not him, but who knows.

My birthday is comming up. ( wish list )
I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to buy most of these things myself. :P

I have no idea what I'm doing for my brithday. I wanted to go to NYC but that is out of the question now, since I have to work the weekends. I know that I'm going to go to Ithica with Sarah at some point for it... <3 But other than that I'm probably going to sit at home and be lazy. haha

I'm feeling a smidgin better. :] Went to Sarahs yesterday to make breakfast and made blueberry pancakes and blueberry eggs. <333 Then I hung out with Adam in Oswego for 7 hours and took a nap in the park, after falling on the pier and skinning my hands and knees. I didn't eat anything besides breakfast until like 8 at night, when I went to my brother Mack's and had dinner with them. After I got home after my long ass day I rested for an hour then went to Walmart with Sarah to buy fruit and have been eating a ton.

Today I am at Milly's house. She looks super cute today. I adore her. <3

Oh! and my schedule:

First Semester:
1. Ceramics 1.
2. Pre-Calc
3. English 12. D: (NOOOO) D: / senior seminar
4. AP Economics
5. PLTW DE
6A. PE.
6B. Studyhall
7. Ceramics 3? Haha.
8A. Studyhall.
8B. AP Chem.
9. AP Chem.
14? German 4E.

Second:
1. Photo.
2. Per Calc.
3. English 12.
4. Ap Economics.
5. DE.
6. Studyhall/PE.
7. Studyhall.
8A. STUDYHALL.
8B. AP Chem.
9. Chem.
14... German.

Okay. They put down German as 14th bell. lol. It's independent study and yaddda yadda, but that's silly still. And what the hell is up with all the study halls but no lunch! AND, freaking english 12? I'm going to die. I wanted the half year classes. I can barely stand english teachers, an entire year with the same one again is going to make me want to shoot my brains outtt.

So far, I know I have english with Bri (though that might change), and AP Economics with Lizz.

I hate school.

I really miss my dad right now. I miss his crazy stories about spiders and bears... I want to be a child again, but a child with the strength I have now to stand up against all the horrible things that my childhood brought. My dads stories are some of the things that I wish I could erase. He was one madd man, and I can't say he didn't deserve what he got, but I still miss him. I still love him despite how terrible he was.

My brother Morgan is warming my heart up. I want to be best friends with him. I want to be close to Mitchel as well... Yet at the same time my stomach is aching and I feel like my lungs are shriviling and my heart is being crushed by a shrinking cavity.

I am going to have nightmares tonight I can tell. My mood is wild. My mind is tripping, and my thoughts are repeating and flashing and running in circles like a trapped scared bird.

I feel like I'm going to go through a phase of panic attacks again. My bad week is comming up. It's been over a year. I just want to cry like a baby. Fetal position.

And it's almost been an entire fucking year, and I'm still alive. I can't believe I've survived this long.

I don't want to be hugged for a long time. I need to get low and be depressed for a while. I need to feel this down, to understand that I am alive and I feel pain and there actually are human emotions inside of me. I never feel really alive. I'm just a big fucking faker.

But I do have family, and boy do I love them.

I hate feeling used and abused man. I'm so done with life right now, I just want to stay home with my dogs and read and ignore all my friends... But then I wake up and am so damn lonly, I want good communication and good friends that call and love me as much as I try to love them. So then I do call people, but no one is ever able to talk anymore. None of the people that I really truly love and want to talk to. And they either have jobs but don't know squat about life, or are jobless and broke all the damn time. No one just drops by to tell me they love me anymore either... But I'm not totally sure that I want them too, because it would mean that I'd have to expell more than I recieve.... And I'm sick of people comming over and overstaying their welcome. Not that my friends are not welcome, but THEIR friends, as in not mine, over stay their welcome. Don't just fucking expect me to be fine with random people staying the night at my house. Myyyy house, the house I am responsible for taking care of. The house where all the food I buy is with my own money, yet they eat it all and don't pay back what they take. As silly and ridiculous as I am, I don't think a single one of my friends is as mature as I am. I know how to be a goof and have a good time, but when it comes down to it I usually am level headed. I'm ready to make sacrafices that are going to hurt me, yet extend my future giving me more options. Thats what I really want. I want options. I'm just complaing and not making any sense. Booo.

This year I want to concentrate on school. I'm going to have a good year with my friends, but when it comes down to it I'm going to work more on getting myself the fuck away from here. School is more important than my friends right now. My job is more important. I need to survive, and I feel like everyone sucks life out of me. I can only give so much.

I sound so freaking crazy. I feel crazy. I think I'm getting close to the lowest I've been in a while. But I was riding a high for most of the summer, so it's about time the wave came crashing down. If there is anything that I know about myself, it's that i'm not a people-person, and I'm done for atleast a little while.

But Scotty (aka JUSTIN) might be comming down to visit this weekend. And the weekend after school starts I'm going to visit Jonny. I hope I'm in a better mood by the time I get to see them. <3

David messaged me a few days ago and it raised my spirits to incredible new levels, for a moment. Honestly I'm not over him remembering that I exist. It's sucha nice feeling to know you are remembered with fondness. That boy was such a huge part of my crazy life. I miss how things use to be.

Also, I have six freaking adorable kittens. Even the retarded one is cute now. Hahaha. <3 If anyone is intrested, lemme know! THEY'RE FREE.

Mud wrestling at my house tomorrow, everyone is invited pretty much. It's at 1. :O Haha, I'm super excited. If you want to go let me know.

:D

I love Emily Manno. <3

And I miss my best friend. D:

But I painted a toad and it turned out pretty damn cute.

Sometimes I am sad but mostly I am not. Occasionally I feel guilty but mostly I do not. I miss you daily but I still breath sweet air. Once I contemplated it but I stopped being stupid. I'm almost never a downer except when alone. My stomach aches and aches and I still keep going. How can I be depressed while enjoying life so fucking much? Or rather, how can I be able to wake up each day with a smile plastered on my face while half the things I face push me down, down below the grass and the sandy layer of dirt, way down under the rocks where there is nothing but cold earth.

Guh. At least I have friends. This summer has been so stinkin' much fun. And the majority of my family is actually pretty decent too, so I shouldn't complain. Sometimes I don't feel loved though. Sometimes I feel used and abused. Friends come over and leave messes, or we go out and I buy, which is perfectly fine at the time, but fuck, I'm a teenager myself with ten times the responsibility most of them have. I need to stop letting people run all over me. I never mind at the time but then I come home and am practically broke because I paid the way for me and then some... My family is pulling me in so many directions I don't know what to do, and none of them are leading me in a good direction either. Mike really needs to bug out of my life, because he only messes around with anything that has to do with me when I'm trying to squeeze money out of my bank account, to you know, pay vet bills and get groceries, which is in his hands. Fuck him.

GUH. At least I am having a good time. And my kitten is better! <3

Last night Milly, Kaylee and Jess spent the night. And Sam was over earlier, hahaha. We had so much fun. We pranked a bunch of people and were up late. At like 1am I got up from a nap, walked into the TV area and sat on the couch in my underwear eating doritos, while watching TV for like ten minutes, not saying a word. :P

1. Sometimes I miss you but mostly I don't. I also don't feel a twinge or guilt over that. I think I'm becomming happier than I've been in a long time, and in part I have to thank you.

2. We have been having some pretty awesome hang-out-sessions lately. I think they might be comming to an end. I refuse to take anything from you, even though I can say I'm enjoying myself. But it's not in the way you want it to be! Buh, who knows.

3. You keep comming back for more. You said you won, but really I did, because it was me that didn't have to do a single thing. I'm probably being more cruel than I have been in a long time, but we're both setting ourselves up and the blame is not all on me, thusly. I can't say I hate it, because there is some bitter-sweetness invovled also, man does it feel nice.

4. I hope I cheered you up, even if just a smidgin. I love you buttercup, and I feel 10x closer and 10x more comfortable around you then I ever have before! I cherrish our friendship imensly.

5. Don't worry so much. I'm glad that you are enjoying yourself currently, I wish I could visit, but I love that you are loving life, even if it's without me. Your my favorite of all my favorites. <3

6. YOU ARE ENGAGED. Wut! Stop being so damn silly.

7. It was you that made your friends go away, and it was you that made it hard to get them back. I miss you, really, and I still claim you as being a friend, a good one even. I hope that when you come back we can connect more. I'm willing to drive to you baby, and bring anyone that you wish. Your crazy, but I love it.

8. Hahaha, sorry for being a huge creep. All the time.... Yep. If it wierds you out that I've gone there and have seen you more in the past month than ever before in my life... well maybe that's just the kind of girl I am. I'd try something else, like being sweet, but I don't think you'd go for that either, haha.

9. I like your new boy and I hope things work out. I think he's an entire world of good for you, plus he puts up with all of your friends silly abtics.

I want my coffee table tonight!!!

I get to see Dieter one last time before he leaves for Denmark! <3 I'm going to miss him something terrible. D: I already have, actually, since he left to travel the states.

Awh.